


Of Sunflowers and Sunrises

by baeconandeggs, fueled_galaxies



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 02:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14740509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/fueled_galaxies/pseuds/fueled_galaxies
Summary: In the span of five years since they last saw each other, Chanyeol never expected to face Baekhyun and all those unanswered questions about their break-up in an interview.





	Of Sunflowers and Sunrises

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** BAE235  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** This is my first time writing for bae and this was such a challenge as I haven't been writing for such a long time. I got excited with the prompt even if I had no clue how to write it. To the prompter, I hope you're satisfied with how this turned out even if it became a lot sadder than I intended it to be. Thank you for giving me lots of freedom to write what I want! To my chanbaek squad who motivated me to finish this, I finally did it! It may be lacking in a lot of ways but I hope you give it lots of love~~~~~~

 

“Can you stop doing that. I was promised lunch and some ice cream, not you staring at me.” Chanyeol slouches back down on the red leather couch, taking a break after finishing his stack of pancakes for lunch.

Kyungsoo and him were on their usual spot at their favorite diner in downtown Seoul, perfectly situated near their respective offices. He was surprised to get a call from the former asking if he was free to go out for lunch judging that he hasn’t seen Kyungsoo for weeks because they were both caught up in work.

“I am buying you lunch, idiot.” Kyungsoo takes a bite of his leftover bacon before taking a sip of his cola. He had his elbows plopped on the table as he continues to eye the taller.

Chanyeol still feels rather squeamish with Kyungsoo studying him as if he had grown two heads right in front of him. He’s trying to just brush it off and actually care less about it, but the sudden interest Kyungsoo’s giving him is making him feel totally weird.

“You know you could just say I look good today.” Chanyeol picks up a piece of bacon with his fork from Kyungsoo’s plate. “Don’t ogle me like that, Jongin would be sad if he knows.” Chanyeol dodges the French fry being thrown at him, hitting the wall behind him instead of his forehead. Being friends with Kyungsoo for years really did improve his reflex

“You’re such an ass.” Kyungsoo wipes his fingers with a napkin, restraining himself from kicking Chanyeol under the table as the taller’s laugh echoes through the place. The other customers were already sending them weird glances to their area. “And can you please shut up, the embarrassment to be seen with you is doubled when you’re loud like this.”

“Aww is Producer Do so embarrassed to be seen with a me?” Kyungsoo picks up another French fry, threatening to throw at him if he continues to piss him off. “Okay fine I’ll shut up, geez can’t even take a joke.

Kyungsoo ends up plopping the food on his mouth before wiping his fingers again with a napkin. “Okay I’ll get to the point already” Chanyeol ushers with his hands, signaling for him to go ahead. “I need a favor.

“See I knew something was up.”

Kyungsoo sighs, resting his chin on his palm. “You know I really don’t ask favors, especially from you guys.”

“I know.” Chanyeol reassures him, sitting up straight. “You’re probably desperate, judging that you actually came to me for help. So, come on, spill.”

Kyungsoo smiles at him, thankful that he doesn’t need to further explain why he needs a favor suddenly. He proceeds to rummage through his bag, retrieving his black leather work planner. He pushes his empty plate aside, wiping the table for any fallen crumbs before placing his notebook down. Chanyeol just chuckles at him, watching as Kyungsoo treats his planner as if his life depends on it.

“Okay, so remember that documentary franchise I’m working on?

Chanyeol nods, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “The one you’re getting the rights to?” Kyungsoo nods at him.

Of course, how can Chanyeol forget about it when Kyungsoo had been working on this project for months already. He’s been running around everywhere so he could present the best proposal he could come up with to present to the network. It would be his first producer project after getting promoted from being an editor for the past 4 and a half years. All of them had been a witness of the countless drinking nights Kyungsoo would suddenly drag them to when he felt hopeless of the outcome of what he was doing.

“I actually got a message from the US headquarters the other day.” Kyungsoo beams at him, eager to break the good news to his friend. “We’re doing our first episode next week.”

“Congrats Soo! I bet Jongin’s really proud of you.”

“He is.” Kyungsoo smiles, remembering the homemade dinner he went home to the other night when he informed his boyfriend. “Jongin’s even more excited than I am about this actually.”

“I’m so happy for you. I know how much hard work you’ve put into this. You’re finally getting your own project.”

“I know, and it still feels surreal.” Kyungsoo says dreamily, thinking about how all of those sleepless nights were all worth it.

“Anyways, where do you need my help with?”

“Oh right.” Kyungsoo starts skimming through his notebook for the details. “It’s called ‘The And Project’, just a documentary show where pairs talk about their relationship with each other.”

“Okay cool, like a talk show type of thing?”

“Well not exactly.” Kyungsoo explains. “I mean we’ll only be filming the pair, no host of whatever. Just that raw, unfiltered conversation about what’s between them. The conversation just keeps going on because of the stack of questions they have to ask each other.”

“Oh okay, it’s like a game of truth or dare, but with truth as the only option?”

“Exactly.” Kyungsoo encircles something from his notes. “Anyways, it’s different types of relationships but we’re focusing on romantic relationships for the first episode and I’ve got three pairs lined up already, but the last one backed out.”

“Oh” Chanyeol could already know where this is going. “So, you’re saying that----“

“I need you to be the last pair” Kyungsoo cuts him off. “Well I mean, I need you and one other person to be the last pair. “

Chanyeol lets out a nervous laugh. “Wow uhm, I don’t think you’ve noticed but I’ve been single as fuck for a long time now Soo, I don’t actually fit the criteria.”

It’s even sadder when he’s the one who points it out. He’s practically been single for a couple of years already, except for the casual blind dates he’s been in. He just allows Kyungsoo to look at him with a ‘I-know-that-dumbass’ look before going back to his notes.

“Well actually I already have couples lined up. I have one who’s been married for like 10 years, the other is a long-distance couple that’s flying in on Monday, all I need is the last category.”

“Which is?” Chanyeol doesn’t even know why he’s nervous but he’s about 10000% sure what Kyungsoo’s about to say.

“Exes.”

Bingo.

“I know you haven’t said anything about your past relationship but Sehun and I were talking the other day and he kinda let it slip, I hope you’re not mad.” He whispers on the last part, avoiding the taller’s gaze as he stares on his notes

Chanyeol isn’t even sure why he’s feeling sorry yet indifferent at the same time right now. He does feel kind of guilty for not actually saying anything to Kyungsoo about his past relationship, even after being friends with him for a few years now. He just doesn’t see the point of bringing up a part of his past that he had buried a long time ago, especially revolving around a person Kyungsoo doesn’t even know actually exists in the first place.

“So, you want me and him to be the last pair on the documentary?”

Kyungsoo nods, eyes beaming to intently explain to Chanyeol that he really is the last resort he could find in such short notice.

“I mean I know nothing about what happened before.” Chanyeol lets go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding on to. At least Sehun didn’t blabber about the whole thing. “I don’t even know who the other person is except for his name, but if it’s really okay with you, I could try and find him.”

Chanyeol just can’t help but laugh a little, not even knowing how to react with the sudden brought up of his past. Was everything going to happen so suddenly like this?

“Try and find him?” Kyungsoo tilts his head, trying to understand what kind of emotion Chanyeol was trying to convey with his tone. He wasn’t even sure if it was genuine curiosity of just pure sarcasm. “You think you could find him?”

“You’re making it sound like it’s impossible.” Kyungsoo questions, his mind moving with questions as to why Chanyeol was acting indifferent.

“Because it is.” Chanyeol deadpans, trying to keep his emotions intact. “I looked for him for like a year and nothing happened. You can’t find people that tries so hard to be kept hidden, it’s useless.”

Kyungsoo could very much sense the disappointment in Chanyeol’s tone, a dead giveaway that how things ended with his past lover isn’t pretty. It’s still a touchy subject, no matter how long it’s been. He had never seen Chanyeol talk with so much negativity and disappointment before, completely different to the bright and optimistic person he had known him all these years. His genuine curiosity of how everything happened is getting the best of him, having that urging feeling to at least try and give Chanyeol some kind of closure that he knows his friend deserves long ago.

“But is it okay for you? I mean to talk to him if ever I actually find him?” Kyungsoo finally asks after letting Chanyeol digest the situation

“I dunno, maybe?” So many thoughts were going through his mind. “It’s been so long, I don’t know how to react to things about him anymore.” Chanyeol slumped back on his chair, arms crossing in front of his chest. No matter how many years have passed, he would still be constricted in matters concerning him. He knows that the right answer to Kyungsoo’s question is a solid no. He had already tried so hard to squeeze this chapter of his life closed and buried along with questions left hanging for the past five years. Digging up the past would only mean re-opening painful wounds that take took such a long time to heal. But the urge to hold onto the chance of something actually happening this time is what keeps his mind boggled. What if this was the perfect time to actually get the closure he had waited for?

“Look, the decision still remains with you, whether you want to meet him or not if I do actually find him.” Kyungsoo explains, closing his planner. “What I just want is for you to at least try, that maybe this time all the efforts put into looking for him actually has results at the end.”

Chanyeol looks at him, trying to suppress his riling up emotions. “Okay, fine I’ll try. But I won’t get my hopes up too much this time.”

“That’s fine, it’ll give you much of an impact when I do find Byun Baekhyun.” The instant look of surprise from Chanyeol’s face was surely noticed by Kyungsoo. “Just be ready for whatever might happen Park.”

 

******

 

It’s been exactly eight days ever since Chanyeol met up with Kyungsoo for lunch and he hasn’t heard anything back from the younger. Chanyeol supposes that he should be happy, no news means good news right? With the scheduled documentary rolling out two days from now, it’s looking like everything’s in his favor, no signs of Kyungsoo actually finding anything about the other’s whereabouts. He should be glad, ecstatic even, that the possibilities of opening up long closed wounds would be low, but why is there a gnawing feeling of disappointment somewhere in his system?

“You’re late.” Chanyeol looks up from his table, putting down his phone as he leans back on his leather swivel chair.

Sehun just laughs, taking his seat on the same chair across Chanyeol.

“When was I ever early?” He smiles, making himself comfortable as he removes the sling bag from his shoulder. “And we agreed on noon, it’s only 11:55 so I’m not late.” He places his bag near the foot of the chair.

“Pft, smartass.”

Chanyeol had been attending meetings after meetings ever since he arrived at the office at 9am today. Sehun usually drops by his office at around lunch on Thursdays to listen to new demos for his dance classes. He teaches at the performing arts academy a few blocks from Chanyeol’s studio. Chanyeol usually gives him dance demos his interns usually do so Sehun could use them on dance pieces for competitions

“Anyways, I heard Kyungsoo’s still looking for Baekhyun” Sehun casually says, crossing his legs as he plops his elbows on the arm rest.

“Yeah, I wonder who blabbed about that to him?” Chanyeol made a face, definitely not amused that Sehun even brought up the topic. “You know he could’ve lived without knowing about him.”

“Hey for the record I was just being a nice friend.” Sehun does his best to sound firm, although he really feels a tad bit guilty for even bringing up about a part of Chanyeol’s past, especially to friends like Kyungsoo that never even knew the existence of Baekhyun. “He was sad that day because his last couple for the documentary bailed out on him. He started asking if I knew someone who had a longterm relationship that ended bad, then you just

perfectly

sent me a text message at that moment so yeah that’s that.”

Chanyeol sighs, burying his face in his palms as he groans. It’s already been a closed chapter that’s long gone, why does he even have to feel things all over again?

“Why can’t you just point out Junmyeon, or maybe Minseok?”

“Well you know Junmyeon hyung never had a nasty break-up, and Minseok hyung’s always been secretive…….. So yeah you’re the only option left.” Sehun just shrugs, trying to at least find one good thing about this whole thing. “And besides, what if Kyungsoo really does find him, wouldn’t it be the closure you’ve been looking for?”

Chanyeol just wants to cry out in frustration, burying his face on his palms again to suppress a groan. “I just don’t get why I have to open everything up again.”

“It doesn’t necessarily mean for you to get back together with him.” Sehun exclaims, playing with Chanyeol’s glass nameplate. “And it’s been like what, four years?”

“Five actually” Chanyeol corrects him, turning his chair a bit to distract him from the impending headache

“See, it’s been too long, and you haven’t seen nor heard again from him ever since he disappeared out of thin air.” Chanyeol was thrown off by the statement, sudden flashbacks of the mess that he was after Baekhyun disappeared came flashing quickly in his mind. “I think it’s time for the closure you deserve.”

Chanyeol looks at Sehun, eyes beginning to sting as the feelings resurface. “A-And what if he doesn’t find him?”

Sehun leans back again, crossing his arms. “Then you really close that chapter up for good, no more digging on the past ---- treat this as the universe telling you to finally forget about everything.”

“Ugh, I don’t know.” Chanyeol continues to groan, resting his head on the table as he ruffles his hair. Sehun just pats his shoulder to show concern, mumbling _it’s gonna be okay_ over and over again.

He really shouldn’t be affected, he shouldn’t feel this way. He had been firm on his decision about removing anything that might remind him of what happened, of every piece of memory that might still linger in his mind. It’s been five

goddamn

years since the break-up, and a little over two years since he stopped looking for him. The amount of time and effort he had exerted had already been enough. He didn’t work so hard to pick himself up just to fall again like this.

Amidst the little breakdown Chanyeol is experiencing, his phone rings, getting Sehun’s attention. The younger reads the text, allowing Chanyel to wallow into his sadness for a bit.

“Uhm Chanyeol.” Sehun says, eyes still glued on Chanyeol’s phone screen as he continues patting the taller’s shoulder. “You might want to cancel your plans this Saturday.”

Chanyeol takes a peek, head still resting on his folded arms. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“Looks like it’s happening.” Sehun moves the device towards Chanyeol’s eyes, enough to see the message from Kyungsoo that arrived just seconds ago.

 

_“Hey Park. Interview’s this Saturday, 2pm at the studio._

_I found him._

_He agreed to see you._

_Better get ready.”_

 

******

 

Panic was the more appropriate term to describe what Chanyeol was feeling right now. It was the day the first episode of the documentary was to be filmed and he doesn’t know what to actually do. It was the first time in a while he actually woke up before his alarm, especially on a weekend like this. He tried so hard to get even a wink of sleep last night, but his mind was already lingering with possible scenarios that might actually unfold when they see each other.

He still can’t help but feel nervous even though Kyungsoo had already gave him the basic rundown of what’s going to happen. It’s just going to be a simple conversation; the only catch is that they’ll be filmed and there’s a bunch of questions they have to answer. Chanyeol still feels weird that in about a couple of hours he’ll see Baekhyun again. It’s been five years and it still amazes him that Baekhyun still has that ability to make his heart race in any given situation. He can never completely forget how Baekhyun would always make him feel.

Sehun was already with his car in front of Chanyeol’s apartment building. He had insisted the other night that he’ll drive his friend himself, afraid that Chanyeol might back out for the last minute. With how unpredictable Chanyeol becomes when it comes to Baekhyun, Sehun wasn’t ready to take chances.

Chanyeol took quick steps down the stairs before walking to the sidewalk to Sehun’s car. He knocked softly on the window, signaling for Sehun to unlock the door so he could get in already.

“I was about to walk up to your door already, it took you so damn long to go down.” Sehun said as Chanyeol closes the passenger seat.

“I was looking for my watch okay.” Chanyeol fixes his seatbelt. “What, afraid I might back out?”

Sehun starts the engine again. “Well, there is a possibility. Isn’t it overwhelming?” He carefully drives them out of the sidewalk and into the main streets.

“It is.” Chanyeol confesses. He was thinking of texting Kyungsoo last night that he wants to back out already. “I mean, I’m seeing him again, after so long, and I don’t know what to feel about it.”

“That’s just natural to be hesitant about it of course, I mean especially for you. You were the one who got the bad end of the relationship

Chanyeol just kept his eyes straight, humming in response to Sehun’s last remark.

 

 

The rest of the drive was quiet, except for the sound of the radio on Sehun’s car. They reached the studio in less than half an hour. Sehun had insisted that he’d just drop Chanyeol off, not wanting to interfere with the flow of the documentary in case Baekhyun sees him too. Kyungsoo had already been waiting for Chanyeol at the lobby, carrying a walkie talkie and a clipboard.

“Hey, I thought you were going to bail out on me.” Kyungsoo says as Chanyeol walked towards him at the reception desk

“Why does everyone keep saying that today.” Chanyeol groans, a small pout forming on his lips as e continues to follow Kyungsoo from behind as they walk towards the elevator.

“I dunno, just a guess? Also, Jongin told me to just be extra cautious of you today.” Kyungsoo pressed the button to go up, already waiting for the doors to open.

“Why’d you think he said that?”

“No clue. Maybe because they know how much this means to you.” The elevator door opens and Kyungsoo walks in first, Chanyeol follows from behind. The former presses the button for the 10th floor, leaning towards the wall. “Really, thanks again for doing this Chanyeol, I know it wasn’t an easy thing to agree to.”

Chanyeol hums, fixing his jacket. “No problem, and thank you too, you know……….for actually being able to find him. I guess I underestimated your searching skills.” Chanyeol chuckles, feeling his nerves relax a little.

“See, I told you I’d find him.” The elevator door opens, Chanyeol continues to follow him as they stand in front an enclosed door. “Okay, anyways we’re already here. I’ll send you to one of the dressing rooms first while we finish the light set up.”

Chanyeol nods, letting Kyungsoo open the door for him. “Is he here yet?” Chanyeol asks, entering the room and proceeds to place his sling bag on the table.

“Not yet.” Kyungsoo checks his phone. “Baekhyun texted me a while ago saying he’ll be running a bit late because of the traffic, but he’s coming.”

“Okay.” Chanyeol takes a seat on the swivel chair in front of the big mirror plastered on the wall.

“Hey.” Kyungsoo calls for him. “Everything’s going to be fine. It’ll be a great way for you to get the closure you needed. Just tell me when things get too much for you and we’ll stop rolling okay?”

Chanyeol smiles at him, “Thanks again.”

“No problem. Anyways I’ll call you when we’re all set okay? Just chill here for a moment.”

Chanyeol just nods at him before Kyungsoo speaks to someone through the walkie talkie and goes out of the room. He just slumps back again on the chair, closing his eyes as he lets it sink in that this is going to happen.

Never did Chanyeol thought that he’ll see Baekhyun again in a circumstance like this. When he stopped looking for him about three years ago, he had already come into terms with his feelings that maybe it was for the best. Maybe fate had already planned it out for them to not see each other again after how their relationship ended.

Chanyeol had to admit how much of a mess he was when Baekhyun suddenly disappeared. He didn’t know what happened, or what actually went wrong between them that caused him to run away like he did. He had been in doubt for a few months, always still hopeful that maybe Baekhyun just needed time for a moment, but when the months were too long, Chanyeol had to accept the fact that maybe things were really meant to end like that.

They met at a time where both were struggling on how life was pacing so fast suddenly. Both in the middle of a standstill, trying to take a breather before struggles and questions about themselves ate them whole. They eventually found comfort in each other, something they’ve been trying to find in other people they had been with.

Chanyeol could never deny the connection made between them, of being that one great source of light in a dark tunnel they thought was endless. Love was bound to appear somewhere between them, amidst those late-night drives and sudden text messages of _I miss you_ and _I wish you were here._

They were happy together, at least Chanyeol knows they were. They complimented each other like any other, trying to fill up what’s missing from the other, so they could be whole again. Their friends had always pointed out how the love they had was something rare, something beautiful that only a few people can truly experience. They were planning their whole future together, of making their dreams come true with the other by their side all throughout the journey.

Chanyeol was so damn sure that Baekhyun is the one, that he can never imagine waking up to someone other than Baekhyun beside him. He was ready to start a new chapter of his life with him, to make Baekhyun officially his for the rest of his life.

Everything was already set, Chanyeol rented out the café they would frequent, the one where they first met that was near their old university. It was their fifth anniversary and Chanyeol couldn’t think of a more perfect day to pop the question. He bought the ring a few weeks ago, having it custom made so he could have the insides engraved with _to infinity_ inside. Jongin and Sehun were hiding somewhere inside the venue to film the whole thing. He already sent a message to Baekhyun to meet up first at the café before grabbing dinner.

Chanyeol waited, he waited until the sky was already full of stars and the moon was shining brighter than before. He waited until Jongin and Sehun had told him that it looked like Baekhyun won’t be coming, that maybe the smaller was stuck at work. He waited until he made at least 30 calls and messages to Baekhyun’s phone, but not once did he receive a reply. He waited until he had to be driven home by his friends, panicking that maybe something bad happened to his boyfriend because it was so unlike Baekhyun to leave him hanging like this without a single text. He waited until he got back to a dim apartment, where their shared closet had Baekhyun’s clothes all missing, and all was left was a note on the bed along with the silver bracelet he gave him on their first anniversary. He waited until he dropped on his knees, chest feeling constrained as he let out the tears he had been holding on, with his hand clutching the note Baekhyun had left him, _I’m sorry Chanyeol._

The process of accepting that Baekhyun had left him behind was a painful one. No matter what he did, or everywhere he went, everything lingers with the smaller’s presence. He began to look for him, he tried contacting everyone they ever knew, all the possible people that might know where he might run off to, but he got nothing. He didn’t want to stop. Every moment he thought he was getting closer, all ended in disappointment.

The longer the search went on, the more reasons to justify why he did the things he was doing were coming up one by one.

For the first few months, all he could think of was to get Baekhyun back, for Baekhyun to take him back so he could be whole again. He wanted to tell him how a big part of his life has gone missing ever since he left him, that no matter how hard he tried, thoughts of Baekhyun keeps popping out everywhere. He refused to accept a life without the older. His friends had been taking turns to check up on him at least once a day to see how he’s coping. Chanyeol had been nothing but a mess. He refused to hold long conversations with anyone because he knows no one could ever understand the way he’s feelings. All he needed was for him to explain what went wrong, what did he exactly do that forced Baekhyun to leave him like that. He was ready to change whatever it is in him just for Baekhyun to come back, to have his light back in his life yet again.

When at least half a year went by, anger and revenge were the sole purpose he had in finding Baekhyun. He wants to lash out on him make him feel even an ounce of the anger seeping through his system. He wants Baekhyun what a selfish prick he was for leaving him behind, stripping him off any right he has for any explanation whatsoever. He wanted Baekhyun to know how much of an asshole he is, for throwing away the five years they’ve spent together as if it never meant anything to him at all.

However, when special days come up, like their anniversary or it’s one of their birthdays, Chanyeol knows he’s in his weakest. All he could think of were the beautiful memories they created together, all the happy times he had the chance to express how much he loved him. Wanting to get back together or to express whatever anger he has is never the reason anymore, all he wants is to just talk. He wants to have that closure to know that Baekhyun is well and that he’s happy with the decision he made. He’s no longer harboring any bitterness whatsoever, just wanting an opportunity to tell Baekhyun that he still loves him like it’s the first time, and that no matter how much pain he felt when he was left behind, he’ll always be that someone he treasures the most, even if they never got a happy ending.

But no matter how much he hoped, he never got the chance.

It was after the 15 months 23 days 10 minutes and 8 seconds of searching for Baekhyun, in the middle of his dim lighted living room apartment, before downing what felt like his 15

th

shot of soju with Jongin and Sehun, did he realize that there was no point in waiting anymore.

The actual understanding that he needed to start taking care of himself took him longer than he had expected. Chanyeol had to accept how things were going to be, even though he knows he can never let go of the feelings he had. He can never wish to throw it all away either. He just had to bury in someplace else, somewhere so hidden that maybe in time, he’d eventually forget it ever existed.

“Chanyeol?” Three knocks at the wooden door stopped Chanyeol from these thoughts. “We’re all set. We’re starting in five minutes.”

“Huh? Oh yeah sure. I’ll be out in a sec.” He replies shortly. He sits up straight, checking himself on the mirror as he wipes the tears that were already forming on his eyes.

“I’ll wait for you out here.” Kyungsoo replies. Chanyeol could hear him talking again to someone on the walkie talkie.

He looks at himself one more time, hand resting on chest to attempt to calm himself down.

_We’re going to be fine._

 

**********

 

The set looked more normal than Chanyeol had imagined.

It was rather bare, diminishing the intimidating feel that Chanyeol was expecting. There were two black chairs facing each other being divided by a wooden table in the middle. It had two mugs on both ends with a stack of what seemed to be white cue cards placed neatly in the middle. The floor was covered in a light brown carpet, accentuating the brick wall background. Chanyeol noticed that there were three cameras in total, one was directly facing the middle, getting a pretty clear shot of the whole set, while the other two were situated a little bit at the back of each chair respectively, probably to get a good angle of both of them.

Chanyeol just followed Kyungsoo towards the set, bowing to every person that Kyungsoo had introduced him to.

“Okay so we’ll have you sit here on the left, just make yourself comfortable.” Chanyeol just nods, taking his seat as he watched Kyungsoo direct the people to be where they needed to be.

“This is making me nervous all of a sudden.” Chanyeol chuckles, trying to brush off the nervousness that was starting to creep in his system.

“You’ll be fine, I’ll just be at the back of the camera, although you might not see me with all the lights.” Kyungsoo smiles at him, directing the cameraman behind Chanyeol to adjust the height a bit. “I’ll explain the details when Baekhyun’s already here. He just went to the bathroom.”

Chanyeol nods, feeling his hands go clammy as he tried to settle down his nerves. Having the little moment of flashbacks at the dressing room earlier today wasn’t the best decision he had made this morning. He just had to settle down his heart for a bit. He’s just meeting Baekhyun again, talking to someone he had known for such a long time already, why does he even have to be nervous in the first place?

After a couple of minutes, in the midst of Kyungsoo directing the staffs for final checking, Chanyeol could hear a faint voice he hasn’t heard in so long, greeting the staffs as he entered the set.

How Chanyeol’s heart began to quickly beat was already expected to happen the moment Baekhyun entered the actual set, smiling at everyone as he was ushered to take the seat in front of him. The moment their eyes met was strong enough to send bolts of electricity in Chanyeol’s system. Baekhyun turned away quickly as the cameraman was explaining to him how they’d be filmed.

Chanyeol could already imagine what kind of dumb expression was plastered on his face right now, coming to terms to the fact that Baekhyun is actually here, staring so long to make sure he wouldn’t puff out in thin air. He still looked the same as Chanyeol had remembered – the once fading blonde hair now in an ashy brown color with soft bangs touching his eyes a bit. Baekhyun looks exactly the same when they were 24, both soft and striking features accentuated every time he’d flash his warm smile when greeting the other staffs. He still looked so beautiful, enough to make his heart excited, just like always.

Chanyeol had to quickly avert his gaze somewhere else when he noticed Baekhyun was about to look his way again. He could hear Kyungsoo snicker at his side, checking final touches for the lighting.

“Alright, I think we’re all set” Kyungsoo says, checking one last thing off his clipboard before walking directly in the middle of the two. Both nods, saying a quick bye to the other staffs who were leaving the set. Only Kyungsoo, one cameraman, and the two were left on the actual set, giving Chanyeol the perfect view to see Baekhyun again.

“Okay so let me explain how things are going to happen.” Kyungsoo continues. “So, like what I told you both before, it’s just going to be a simple conversation. No hosts, no audience, just you two, me, and my main camera man right here.” Kyungsoo gestures to the middle-aged man behind the camera, waving to the two before going back to his device. “So the cue cards in front of you contains the questions you’ll ask one another. You’ll take turns asking the questions. There are ten in total, but you could also ask something if you feel the need to” Kyungsoo smiles to the both of them, receiving nods to signal for him to go on. “We don’t have a time limit whatsoever, we could go on as long as you both still feel the need to talk. We’re just here to listen…………And remember, if it feels too much at any moment, just tell me and we’ll switch off the cameras, okay?”

“Got it.” Chanyeol says, smiling at Kyungsoo before doing the same to Baekhyun, nodding along to Kyungsoo’s instructions.

“So, any questions?” The two shook their heads. “Alright, then I guess we’ll start then.”

Kyungsoo walked towards the cameraman, letting the two have a brief moment to digest the situation they were in. He motioned for the cameraman to just start rolling already.

Baekhyun was the first one to somewhat break the ice, clearing his throat before giving a small smile to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol couldn’t stop his nerves, he could still feel his heart beat rapidly as he reciprocated Baekhyun with the same gesture.

“Hi.” Baekhyun says softly, doing a small wave to the taller. Chanyeol smiles at him, always the one starting their conversations.

“Hi.” Chanyeol replies meekly, doing a small wave too. He really wants to laugh at how awkward they are. “How’ve you been?”

“Great, actually.” Baekhyun says, keeping his answers short. “You?

“Nervous.” Chanyeol confesses, rubbing his nape as he chuckles.

Baekhyun laughs along with him. “Same……How long has it been?”

“About five I think?” Chanyeol says, tilting his head to the side to think, making it seem as if he hasn’t been counting. “It’s been quite a while.”

“Yeah, been way too long.”

Chanyeol just hummed to agree, letting silence envelope them again.

“So, what you’ve been doing lately?” Baekhyun asks, bringing back his coffee cup back to the table after taking a sip. He was clearly trying to atleast make the situation less awkward than it already was.

“Still the same old stuff, but I produce songs now.” Chanyeol says, face brightening up. “I finally managed to open a small studio.”

“I know.” Baekhyun replies, smiling at how Chanyeol looked excited with the mention of work. “I mean about the producing stuff, I’ve heard some of your new material.”

Chanyeol was surprised. “Really? I didn’t know you were a fan.” He laughs, releasing the tension in his shoulders as he gets comfortable in his chair. Baekhyun’s low chuckle gave him a sense of familiarity, allowing him to release any sort of nervousness inside him. “How about you? You’re still in marketing?”

Baekhyun shook his head. “Ventured into something different. I work for Luminous now.”

“The fashion magazine?”

“Yeah. I write spreads sometimes but mostly I do advertising and media coverage.” Baekhyun smiled at him, never breaking the eye contact he had started. “Anyways, do you want to start?” Baekhyun gestures to the cue cards in the middle, relaxing himself after laughing.

“Yeah sure.” Chanyeol leans forward to take the top card from the pile, flipping it to read the contents. “What do you remember on the first time we met?” Chanyeol flips over the card, placing it back again on the table beside the original stack. He watches as Baekhyun scrunches his eyebrows, visibly trying to rack his brains of the happenings that day. Chanyeol wouldn’t even be surprised if the smaller had forgotten everything about it.

“It was a Thursday night I think?” Baekhyun starts, pausing Chanyeol’s thoughts as he listened. “It’s at that coffee shop near Gate 5 where Jongin was doing part time right? You both looked like kicked dogs looking for an empty table that night to use.” Baekhyun smiles fondly, trying to recall bits and pieces of the first time he saw the taller. “You approached my table because I was alone and Jongin asked if it’s okay that you sit and share the table with me because you had to review. And I remember thinking you were cute with the specs and perm combo and all so I said why not.”

Chanyeol was taken aback, surprised by the fact that Baekhyun can still perfectly recall that day, also by the the fact that the smaller had a bit of admiration towards him that early. They always had petty fights about it before, wondering who was the first to show a bit of admiration.

“You never told me you thought I was cute.” Chanyeol says, leaning back into his chair. “You said I always looked like a dog with the perm that’s why I straightened it out months after we met.”

Baekhyun chuckles, letting it reach his eyes. “Well your uncanny resemblance with Jongin’s poodles was really funny, but it made you look really soft. Like despite being like 10 feet tall, you looked completely harmless.”

“Uhm thanks?” Chanyeol says, watching Baekhyun stare at him. “But you still haven’t told me why you’ve never been vocal about things like this before. It would’ve been nice to hear it from you.” He whispers the last sentence.

“Well, there’s a few things I’d like to keep unsaid about the way I felt about you Yeol.” Chanyeol feels a little tug at his chest when he hears Baekhyun call him by his little nickname. He couldn’t define the way Baekhyun’s eyes were staring at him, as if trying to send some kind of message he can’t quite decipher.

“Anyways, do you remember that house party before senior year?” Baekhyun took the mug for a sip. “I remember Sehun telling me he literally dragged you all the way there.”

Chanyeol nodded. “I remember” He gives baekhyun a soft smile, his mind happily recalling the night perfectly like it’s forever engraved in his memory.

 

_“I can’t believe I actually let you drag me here” Chanyeol half shouted into Sehun’s ear, trying to at least be audible over the booming music throughout the apartment. His can beer was already half empty despite just creating a safe place for himself near the couch._

_“Have some fun will ya? We literally have three more days because we’re officially stuck in this shit place again.” Sehun nudged him on the side, taking a quick gulp of his beer as well._

_“Aah, but haven’t we all been taken as slaves of this shit place since freshman year?” Chanyeol points out, relieve that the music actually turned down a bit. He seriously has enough of letting his voice strain just to keep a simple conversation rolling. “Anyways, I thought you were going to look for your soccer friends?”_

_“I was but almost half of them are already dead drunk by the kitchen.” Sehun pointed to the group of guys laughing by the kitchen counter. Chanyeol could easily tell how long their soberness had left them judging by how beet red they were. He doesn’t even need to know how much alcohol they had consume already, and it wasn’t even past 10pm yet. “Plus, you looked lonely. I don’t want people thinking you’re a nerd.”_

_Chanyeol made a face, nudging Sehun at the ribs that earned him a hiss from the younger. Chanyeol was going to attempt to add a snarky comment at the side when his eyes caught a familiar petite blonde heading towards the kitchen. His mood suddenly brightened._

_After two and a half bottles of beer and a clingy Sehun at the side pushing him towards the veranda, Chanyeol finally had at least an ounce of courage to actually talk to the small blonde._

_Chanyeol had been mentally scolding himself for not at least trying to start a conversation with the male when he met him at the coffee shop where Jongin works about two weeks ago. It had been awkward, making quick glances over his algebra notes as the male sat across him typing away on his laptop. There was something about the male that Chanyeol got curious. Initial attraction was definitely there, Chanyeol had to admit that the blonde looked too beautiful not to acknowledge. But there was something about him that made the taller cautious. He wasn’t sure if it’s how he typed aimlessly on his laptop, staring blankly on his screen as if he isn’t writing anything; or probably how his shoulder hung low as he had this aura around him Chanyeol can’t quite decipher if it’s the feeling of being tired from the work he was doing, or just being done with everything._

_The cool night breeze was the first thing that greeted Chanyeol once he opened the sliding glass door to the veranda. It was a nice little escape from all the happenings inside, the loud party music slowly changing to the soft indie ones as midnight passes and hush conversations start. He was cautious when he first entered, taking quiet steps so as not to disturb the blonde male staring at the ledge with a bottle of beer beside him. The night time view of Seoul would always be one of his favorites, especially at a 15th floor perspective. Chanyeol took a quiet spot on the ledge as well, keeping a safe distance that the small space allowed him to._

_A few minutes in and Chanyeol was already getting accustomed to the silence, letting the sounds of cars passing by and the resonating music from the inside surround them. Aside from the quick glances he does when he thinks the male isn’t looking, there wasn’t really much that was happening. He didn’t even know if anything was supposed to happen at all. He was kinda ready to just go back and see if Sehun was still sober enough to go home when the blonde looks at him._

_“You have a light on you?” The blonde asks, playing the cigarette in between his fingers. Chanyeol quickly pat his pockets, retrieving his little metal lighter on his jacket pocket. The blonde immediately walked towards him once he saw the lighter._

_Chanyeol handed him the metal thing, watching as the blonde struggled to keep the light on with the night wind blowing. After managing to finally light his cigarette, he handed back the lighter to Chanyeol who was watching him. The smaller immediately took another cigarette from his front jeans pocket. “Want one?”_

_“Thanks.” Chanyeol took the stick from the smaller, lighting it with no problems. He let out his first puff, relaxing his shoulders as he plopped his elbows on the ledge. The blonde remained at his side, leaving an understandable distance between them._

_“Since when did you have that?” Chanyeol abruptly looks at the smaller male beside him, pointing to the tattoo on his right wrist. “You don’t look like the type to have a little sunflower inked on you.”_

_Chanyeol looks at the small mark on his wrist. “It was on a whim actually. Freshman year from that tattoo shop near campus.” Chanyeol says, recalling how it took about a month and half to condition his mind that he really wanted to get inked. The small tattoo sits perfectly below the edge of his wrist, visibly seen every time he plays his guitar._

_“Why a sunflower though? If it’s alright to ask.” The blonde says as he brings the cigarette back on his lips. “I’m Baekhyun by the way.” He offers a small smile_

_“Chanyeol.” He smiles back. “I dunno, sunflowers just make me happy. Putting it on my wrist made it seem like a little reminder to live a little braver and happier each day.”_

_“A little braver?”_

_“Not in the reckless brave sort of way.” Chanyeol quickly points out, doing a quick drag of the cigarette. “More like, having that extra special push to yourself to do things that’ll genuinely make you happy.”_

_Chanyeol watches Baekhyun nod at him, eyes fixated on the night view again. “But what if you were never brave in the first place? Like you just let life drag you to wherever? Would you be considered happy?”_

_Baekhyun takes a quick look at him. How his eyes look as if it’s void of any emotion caught Chanyeol off guard. Baekhyun quickly averted his gaze back on the view._

_“Well you could be.” Chanyeol responds, letting himself enjoy the cool night breeze. “If all your life you’re letting life drag you wherever, and you’re okay with all of that, then maybe you are happy. It’s just a matter of how contented you are with the level of happiness you’re feeling at present.”_

_“And if you’re not?"_

_“Then you go find where you’ll get that extra push, so you could get the happiness you want. Everyone deserves to feel euphoria in their lives.”_

_Baekhyun snorts, it doesn’t go unnoticed by Chanyeol. “You know genuine happiness sounds like some myth people always talk about. It sounds complete bullshit and I doubt anyone in real life has actually felt it.”_

_“Well aren’t you so optimistic.” Chanyeol gives a soft chuckle. “I think it just really depends on how you measure it. Some need showy stuff to make the feel it, but really it could be as simple as feeling contented with everything you have.”_

_Chanyeol could already sense how much of a pessimist Baekhyun was, but he was genuinely curious of the smaller’s personality. Baekhyun was giving him the right amount of mystery and heart for him to have some kind of guess what might be running through the blonde’s mind. It keeps Chanyeol hanging._

_Baekhyun chuckles, eyes crinkling as he stifles a laughter, trying to cover his mouth. “You know you don’t really look like the deep, emotional type.”_

_Chanyeol smiles at him, putting out the light of his cigarette. “Ah, must be the curly hair huh” Chanyeol pats his mop of hair. “I get that a lot. I don’t exactly look like I enjoy reading poems and stuff, but hey, we need an overflowing source of inspiration, somewhere right?”_

_“It’s not that.” Baekhyun looks at him, putting out the light of his cigarettes as well. “It’s the smile……… It looks too genuine, makes me believe you’re already happy with everything you have.”_

_Baekhyun finished his bottle of beer and settled the empty bottle on the cement floor near the outdoor chair. He was already heading back inside._

_“Wait, you’re leaving?” Chanyeol says, scolding himself as he calls Baekhyun without even thinking first._

_“I need to catch the last bus back to my apartment.” Baekhyun explains, giving Chanyeol a small smile. Chanyeol took a quick look at his watch, it was half past 1 already._

_“I-I could drive you back.” Chanyeol offers, voice soft because damn he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. “I mean I’m heading back to my apartment too, why don’t I just drop you off?” Chanyeol walks up to Baekhyun, following him as they enter back the apartment. There were a lot less people now, some already snoring away on the living room while a bunch were still talking at the kitchen counter, enjoying the hushed music playing in the background. Chanyeol instantly spots Sehun by the counter, looking like he’s happily exchanging stories with his soccer friends over booze and such._

_“What makes you think I’ll let you drive me home? And besides I don’t even know you that much, what if you’re a murderer or something” Baekhyun jokes, smiling at someone he knows as he walks over to the door. Chanyeol signals quickly to Sehun that he was going to leave first, nodding before going back to his conversation._

_“Well I know your name, and you know mine. Plus, my hand-eye coordination is zero for me to do dangerous stuff like killing people for fun.” Chanyeol smiles, grabbing his coat by the door. “So, what do you say?”_

_“Is this your way of making people feel you’re interested in them?” Baekhyun asks, putting on his denim jacket._

_“Well, is it working?” Chanyeol smiles, opening the door for them._

_Baekhyun chuckles. Walking first towards the elevator. “Well I dunno, depends on how you explain why you were staring at me at the coffee shop before” Baekhyun grins at him, getting inside the elevator first._

_Chanyeol doesn’t know why, but he knows this moment is special._

 

“I’ll pick the next one.” Baekhyun says, bringing down the cup to the table again before getting a card from the pile. “What do you admire most about me?”

Chanyeol crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Hmm, that’s a tough one.”

Baekhyun stares at him. “You can’t think of one?” He quirked an eyebrow, bringing down the card back to the table.

“No, I mean it’s hard to pick out just one.” Chanyeol says, letting out a small smile. “You know there’s a lot I like about you, and I’ve been very vocal about it all throughout” That small soft smile that crept into Baekhyun’s face made Chanyeol grin. He really still can’t deny how much of an impact Baekhyun has on him. It always stayed the same.

“Don’t be so cheesy all of a sudden, it’s going to make us awkward all over again.” Baekhyun points out, hand sweeping off his bangs that were prickling his eyes. They were already on their fourth question and by the way both of them have started talking more comfortably since they’ve started was already such a progress. “I know there’s a lot, but you must’ve forgotten a lot of them already.”

“Of course, I didn’t.” Chanyeol quickly answers. “You’re one heck of a person to forget Baekhyun, I think you’re at least aware of that.” Chanyeol noticed the change in Baekhyun’s expression after he said what he said. “And I mean it in a good okay, I’m not giving some underlying meaning so don’t look into it too much.” He quickly assures the smaller.

Baekhyun was already looking at him with soft eyes, Chanyeol thinks it’s between the feeling of warmth and of guilt all mixed into one. “See you’re already thinking too much about it.” Chanyeol continues, giving the smaller a small smile to assure him that whatever he’s thinking, it wasn’t right. “Remember those little doodles you like to do?”

Baekhyun nods, smile forming into his lips as he recalls the small pieces of notes he’d do every morning for Chanyeol. “You said they were cheesy.”

“They are.” Chanyeol chuckles, remembering all the times he would end up finding little pieces of colored paper tucked in his coat, sometimes inside his wallet, or Baekhyun’s favorite, folded in between the pages of his music sheets. “But they’re all just like you though. Small, but definitely enough to make me smile every day."

Now it was Baekhyun’s turn to sport a faint shade of red forming in his cheeks. Chanyeol can feel his heart thump a little faster again than normal. He always loved it when Baekhyun realizes how precious he is when he used to do small gestures like this, makes him realize how soft Baekhyun really was, underneath all those attempts of always appearing to be stoic than normal.

“Have you ever wondered why I even started writing you notes though?” Baekhyun asks, faint memories of the early mornings he spent just to write notes for the taller. Chanyeol shook his head. “Because I felt like I always needed to remind you how wonder you really are.”

Baekhyun was looking at him with soft brown eyes, so warm as if telling him that he need not explain anything anymore. Quick flashbacks of the times Chanyeol would find a folded colored paper in one of his things started flooding his mind. Every time something big would happen, or if he’s specifically feeling extra down that day, coincidentally, he’d find Baekhyun’s little love notes.

It started with simple messages of _I miss you, think of me when you’re bored_ then it just naturally transitioned to all too cheesy and domestic messages of _I love you when the sun rises until the moon sets; hasn’t anyone ever told you how amazing you are? God I’m so lucky to have you; You are always loved, Chanyeollie, never forget that; I’ll love you always and forever._

He kept every note, each holding a special meaning close to his heart, reminding himself of every emotion he has felt when he received each one. Chanyeol knows that if he looks hard enough around his apartment, he could probably still find it, all kept in a box somewhere in his storage room. He knows it should’ve been the first one he threw out when Baekhyun left, but his heart never allowed him to, treasuring the memories that sets as a reminder that he was so loved like that before.

“There’s a whole lot, Baek, of the reasons why you’re special.” Chanyeol continues, eyes hesitating to meet the smaller’s. “I could go on and on, but you know the cheesiest reason would be because you’re you.”

In the span of five years that they have dated, Chanyeol treasured every moment, realizing how lucky he was to have someone like Baekhyun around for him to express how much he means to him. There were rough patches of course, fights and arguments that occurred when he thought things were going okay, but nevertheless they’ve all gone through them, they just didn’t get past the biggest curveball the universe decided to give them.

“You really were such a cheeseball.” Baekhyun remarks, his soft chuckle lacing with the embarrassment as a faint shade of red slowly forms in his cheeks.

“But it’s true though Baek. You kept telling me how wonderful I was, but you barely recognize even an ounce of how amazing you really are.” Chanyeol confesses, feeling his heart thump louder again. “Like you’re always so afraid to admit it to yourself that yes, you are really that wonderful of a human being, that’s why I was in love with you for such a long time.”

It was Baekhyun’s turn to feel his heart race faster than usual, a familiar feeling whenever he was around the taller.

“You’re just saying that because I said you were wonderful.” Baekhyun let out a nervous chuckle, letting his heart calm down for a bit.

“Of course not. Like do you even know how unpredictable and easy going you are with anything? Remember when Bugs broke down when we were on our way to the Beach?” Baekhyun nods. “I was slightly panicking because we were in the middle of God knows where and I forgot my tools back at the dorms and it was in the middle of the night and I didn’t know what to do. But it’s like you had everything planned out in your head and we’ve had one of the best summer nights ever.”

Baekhyun smiles, faintly remembering that one summer night they decided to take an impromptu beach trip one evening. Chanyeol was driving Bugs, his old black Prius that his dad got for him when he entered College, it was a secondhand car, a lot of things to change but Chanyeol treated it like his little baby. They were already driving for more than 3 hours already, just barely escaping Seoul’s maddening traffic on a late Friday night. Chanyeol could already feel that Bugs was having trouble keeping up, not used to the long drives as Chanyeol really uses it around the city when he feels like it. Baekhyun was oblivious with everything, playing one of the mixtapes Chanyeol had made for him, singing along to the song as he feels the night breeze with his hand as he rolls down the window.

 

_“Uhm, Baek?” Chanyeol says, continuously trying to pump out the clutch as he switches to a different gear._

_“Hmm?” Baekhyun hums, eyes still close as he enjoys the breeze. Being off campus after a tiring semester felt so good._

_“I think there’s something wrong with Bugs.” Chanyeol remarked, cautiously trying to drive to the side so they could get out of the main road._

_Baekhyun retrieved his hand and looked at Chanyeol. “There’s always something wrong with Bugs though, not surprised about that.”_

_Chanyeol was about to retort with something to save the dignity of his precious car when the grumbling of the engine started. He hurriedly drove the thing to the side, away from the road as it continuously signals that something was already indeed wrong._

_The moment Chanyeol had safely brought the car to the side of the road, the car let out a last gurgled noise before the engine dies out._

_“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun calls._

_“Hmm?”_

_“I think Bugs just died on us.”_

_“Yeah, I noticed.” Chanyeol says, resting his head on the steering wheel, letting out a deep sigh. “What do we do now?”_

_“Don’t mope around, we’re not the ones whose dead anyways.” Baekhyun says, rubbing Chanyeol’s nape for some sort of comfort. “Come on, let’s see if where we are exactly.”_

_Chanyeol grunts as he felt Baekhyun let’s go of him. He hears the thud of the door, signaling that Baekhyun went out already. With a last sigh, Chanyeol removed his seatbelt and went outside to follow his small boyfriend._

_They were already on the freeway, a little far from Seoul already. Chanyeol wasn’t even sure how far away they are to the beach already, having his phone die an hour ago already with Baekhyun taking snaps here and there. Chanyeol remembered to lock all the doors before he quickly walked towards Baekhyun who was already walking a few feet ahead._

_“Did you bring your phone?” Chanyeol asks, finally catching up to Baekhyun after a few strides._

_Baekhyun nods at him. “I did, but my battery’s dead too.” Baekhyun shows him his phone before returning it in his pocket. “But I think we’re near the beach already. Look” Chanyeol follows where Baekhyun point out. He squints his eyes enough to see the signboard about a few feet away from that indicating an arrow up and the words Haeundae Beach written on it._

_“So, what do you suggest we do so we could go there?” Chanyeol asks, playing with the loose gravel on the ground, letting it lean stain marks on his sneakers._

_“We could just leave Bugs here for the night I think? We could just call for a towing service in the morning to have it back in Seoul, then we could just ride the KTX to get back.” Baekhyun explains, already walking back to the car._

_Chanyeol follows the smaller. “But what if someone dismantles Bugs while we’re away. I can’t leave him.” A small pout was already forming in the taller’s lips._

_“We’re on the side of the freeway, Yeol. I think Bugs can manage on his own.” Baekhyun was already on the passenger seat side, waiting for Chanyeol to unlock the door so he could get his things. “In the meantime, let’s figure out how we’d get a ride going to the beach. I haven’t used my hitchhiking skills in awhile.”_

_Chanyeol just nodded at him, opening the car door for the both of them. A few seconds passed until what Baekhyun says started sinking in on him. “Huh? You’ve hitched a ride with a stranger before?” He proceeded to the back seat to retrieve his backpack._

_“Yeah, just twice though.” Baekhyun says casually, stuffing his half-eaten chips on his gym bag. “Haven’t I told you that before?”_

_Chanyeol shook his head, closing the door. “I can’t believe you got a ride from a stranger, but you were having second thoughts with me driving you back home before.”_

_Baekhyun laughed, closing the front door before walking towards his boyfriend. Chanyeol was already forming a pout on his lips, arms crossed as he waits for Baekhyun to finish whatever he was doing. “Why do you look like you’re jealous.” Baekhyun pokes the taller’s cheeks. “If it makes you feel any better, I always get rides from delivery trucks. All those old, stinky men I have to sit next to just to get to my destination.”_

_“Why were you even hitching rides in the first place, Baek?”_

_Baekhyun proceeded to linking his arms with his boyfriend, tugging him to start walking after they’ve secured all the doors were lock. “Well the first one was my first attempt in my runaway/soul searching days. Then the second one, I got left by the bus during a nature tour back in high school.”_

_Chanyeol frowned at the thought of a young Baekhyun staying at the side of the road to get a ride. It would’ve been scary for a kid like him. Knowing Baekhyun, he was probably trying so hard to put on a brave face, but he must’ve been scared and nervous. Chanyeol didn’t even noticed that his grip on Baekhyun got tighter if Baekhyun didn’t rub his arm before smiling at him._

_With overprotectiveness oozing into Chanyeol’s system, he volunteered to be the one to try getting a ride for the both of them, instructing Baekhyun to wait at the side. Baekhyun already expected how awkward Chanyeol would be, judging that Chanyeol was never really great in the social interaction category. Baekhyun was trying hard not to laugh at Chanyeol, trying his best to stand near the road with with his right hand to signal his need for a ride._

_It started a few cars passing by which was pretty normal because it was nearing 3am already. Chanyeol was still very much hopeful that he could get the both a ride, not listening to the side comments that Baekhyun makes. “Come on Yeol people would be scared at you, you’re like 10 feet tall with a stupid grin on your face”_

_About an hour have passed and it looks like nothing was bound to happen, judging how Baekhyun is already bored to death. He had already managed to gather more than 3 dozen of loose gravel, enough to attempt to stack them altogether. He could faintly hear Chanyeol curse under his breath every time a car just drives away in front of him, not even showing any signs of curiosity on why he was standing there in the first place._

_“Yeol, come on it’s going to be 2am anytime soon.” Baekhyun complained, taking a quick glance at his wrist watch. “Let me do it already so you could rest.”_

_“I can do this, just take a rest there.” Chanyeol says, switching on his left hand to signal. “We’ll get a ride anytime soon now.”_

_Baekhyun groaned, standing up to kick some of the stones he had managed to gather. “Let’s switch places please? Come on I promise it’ll be easier.”_

_“What makes you so sure?” Chanyeol says, stubbornly trying to be optimistic as possible although he’s getting impatient as well._

_“Based on experience babe.” Baekhyun winked at him. “Now come on and let yourself rest there for a minute, I’ll get us out here soon.” Baekhyun patted Chanyeol on the arm before resuming the taller’s position._

_Although sulking a bit, Chanyeol just nodded and went to the side like the smaller instructed. He just resumed to aimlessly kicking the gravel that Baekhyun gathered, eyes not leaving his boyfriend._

_Chanyeol was sure glad that Baekhyun wasn’t even worried one bit to what was happening to them right now. He had been feeling a bit down that whatever plan he had set up in his head the moment they left his apartment was now wash away by all these sudden curve balls. With dating Baekhyun for only just 6 months now, Chanyeol always wants to put his best in everything he does with Baekhyun. Even though Baekhyun had assured him more than a dozen times already that he didn’t need to be impressed every single time (I love simple but mostly awkward Yeol okay? Don’t get too cheesy with me, I don’t need those stuff), Chanyeol still wants to make Baekhyun feel loved in every little way. That’s why when Baekhyun suddenly came barging into his apartment after his last class to go on a beach trip, he immediately saw it as an opportunity to spend some time with him and to create memories along the way._

_(With Chanyeol reminiscing stuff in his head again, he didn’t even realize Baekhyun managing to let an elderly couple give them a ride to the nearest bus stop to go to the beach. He could still remember the cheeky grin Baekhyun had plastered on his face once he tugged Chanyeol to get on the car already)_

 

“I haven’t gone back there actually.” Chanyeol remarks, making Baekhyun halt his thoughts. “To the beach I mean. We went there like every other summer, so we won’t get bored.”

“Yeah, after with the incident with your car, we just ride the KTX every time.” Baekhyun says, smiling as he recalls the many train rides they done to and from Busan over weekends they felt like the beach was calling for them.

“Have you gone back there? I mean since we……….you know.” Chanyeol says, pointing to both of them to explain what he wanted to say. Trying to actually verbalize the word break-up was still so weird.

Baekhyun gave a small nod. “That was the first place I went to when I left.” He confesses, eyes soft and full of apology as he looks at Chanyeol.

“Oh.” Was all Chanyeol could say. He never attempted to go look for Baekhyun there, feeling as though the place was filled with too much memories for Baekhyun to suddenly go there with the purpose of running away from him.

Baekhyun cleared his throat, noticing how Chanyeol still hasn’t said anything more. He knew if he’d prolong the silence between them, they’d eventually go to the topic he’s been avoiding since they started.

“I’ll take another question okay?” Baekhyun says as he retrieves another card, trying to do some kind of quick damage control. “Have you ever done the things we used to do after the break-up?” Baekhyun places back the card on the table, the last word giving an uneasy remnant in his tongue.

“I still listen to your favorite bands.” Chanyeol confesses. He never got to cleaning the playlists and mixtapes he had lying around. He used to do tons of mixtapes for Baekhyun appropriate for small occasions he could think of. “I just pop them on the player when I do have time to clean the apartment, you know, just like how we do it before.”

They used to spend a weekend or two every other month into blasting off random mixtapes Chanyeol had just made for Baekhyun while they laze around in the afternoon, attempting to clean their living space. It was kind of a decluttering activity Baekhyun had suggested so they wouldn’t end up with sewer like place, judging that they were always so busy with work. Chanyeol would be lazy most of the time, trying everything he has up his sleeve into luring Baekhyun into bed a little longer than usual. When that doesn’t work, about 70% of the time would be devoted to Chanyeol butchering one of Baekhyun’s favorite songs in an attempt to get the smaller into just cuddling on the sofa instead of actually doing household work. And of course with Baekhyun’s weak defenses to a singing Chanyeol trying to pull him into a slow dance over old indie funk music playing in the background, these kind of weekends were what they look forward to the most.

“Do you still make mixtapes though?”

“Not anymore.” Chanyeol says, shaking his head as he gives Baekhyun a small smile.

“Well I still do horror night Fridays.” Baekhyun suddenly says, successful in gaining the taller’s attention. “Like I know it’s dumb to say because I’m aware I was the one who insisted that we do it, but it’s like tradition to me already.” Chanyeol chuckled, recalling the many times Baekhyun had his blanket over his head, hands snaked around Chanyeol’s arm as he seek some sort of comfort from the taller.

“Oh, like you watch it with someone or…….” Chanyeol trailed off, fingers fumbling. He misses the sudden panic in Baekhyun’s face.

“No...I-I mean sometimes I watch with Jongdae when he comes over, but most of the weeks I try to watch by myself.”

“Oh!” The taller remarks, voice a little too excited. “You still make the buttered popcorns?”

“With the hot cheetos on the side, of course.” Baekhyun beamed at him. “I told you, it’s tradition.”

Chanyeol tries his best to keep his emotions still, disregarding the fact that his heart beats a little too quicker every time Baekhyun gives him a smile that reaches up to his eyes.

“Speaking of tradition, I still visit that bakery every weekend, the one at the end of our block.” Chanyeol remembers. “Ahjumma says hi by the way.”

“Oh.” Baekhyun remarks, remembering the nice old lady they buy egg tarts from every weekend after they go out. The owner of the bakery always had a special fondness to the smaller, treating him like a son every time he visits by giving him at least 3 more pieces to his usual orders. “Did you tell her why I wasn’t visiting anymore?”

Chanyeol shakes his head. “I don’t have the heart to tell that her favorite customer is gone. She’d be really devastated. I know mom was.”

“Oh…...how’d you tell her?” Baekhyun asks, being very careful on asking. He knows Mrs. Park had always taken an extra care when it comes to him, treating him like his own son, sometimes even much clingier compared to how he was with his very own son.

“I think she just eventually put two and two together when I started going home without you there with me. I wasn’t really very keen on actually explaining what happened.” Chanyeol says, eyes focused on the deck of cards in front of them. “She really misses you though, especially the first few months. I know she never really asked where you were or said anything about all of it, but she’d just set up one more plate every time I come over.”

Chanyeol recalled the many times his mom would accidentally put one more plate on the seat beside him, Baekhyun’s usual seat every time they come over. The immediate remembrance traced in Mama Park’s face would always be visible whenever she remembers her little Baekhyunnie won’t be there for lunch anymore.

“You know I thought about visiting her before, in your restaurant I mean.” Baekhyun starts, speaking softly as he remembers the many attempts he had to driving to the Park family restaurant. “But then I thought I don’t have any right to visit her anymore, even just to ask how she’s doing these days because I was the one who chose to cut off any ties I have with you.”

Chanyeol can sense the amount if guilt lingers into Baekhyun’s words, the regret that was written all over his face. He was very much aware how Baekhyun felt so close with his mom, judging the amount of years they’ve been together, Baekhyun had been treated nothing but family, especially when Chanyeol had all the intentions of making Baekhyun officially part of the family.

“Okay guys, let’s take five. We need to adjust the lighting on Chanyeol’s side.” Kyungsoo suddenly spoke out, breaking the seriousness that was already lingering between the two.

“Can I just make a quick phone call?” Baekhyun asks, motioning for himself to get out for air for a while.

Kyungsoo nods at him, “Yeah sure, be back after 10 minutes so we could roll again” Baekhyun nods before giving Chanyeol a small smile as he exits the set.

Chanyeol lets out a deep sigh as he sinks into his chair. Some of the staff were already back in the seat, being radioed by Kyungsoo to adjust what needed some fixing on the set.

“You okay?” Kyungsoo asks, patting his friend’s shoulders. Chanyeol let out a groan, Kyungsoo chuckled at him. “Come on, let’s get out for a moment, they’ll fix the set anyways.”

Kyungsoo continued pulling Chanyeol’s arm until the taller eventually got up from his seat. He followed Kyungsoo out to the mini terrace. The taller smiled as soon as the wind welcomed him when Kyungsoo opened the door to the terrace. The smaller was already sitting on the stone bench near the sole tree and plants planted on the area. Chanyeol followed suit, standing just a bit near to the ledge.

Chanyeol immediately took out a cigarette from his front pocket together with a lighter. He needed a quick smoke to relax his nerves.

“You’re that stressed?” Kyungsoo chuckles, already refusing the cigarette Chanyeol was offering him.

“There’s a whole lot of tension there Soo, I don’t think you could notice.”

“Really? Tension? You guys are practically walking down memory lane with how you two talk to each other.” Kyungsoo scrunches his nose as Chanyeol puffs out some smoke after his first drag.

“Aren’t you the one who made those cards anyways.” Chanyeol explains, flicking the cigarette to let the ashes fall. “So, it’s technically all your fault.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “But I told you they’re just there to help you if you don’t know how to continue the conversation anymore.”

“Which is what’s actually happening for the past hour and a half.” Chanyeol points out before taking another drag.

“You know I don’t understand why you can’t open up the topic already. I mean, isn’t that the main point for you? To actually get some answers from him?”

Chanyeol takes a seat beside Kyungsoo. “But it’s not that easy. As if I’ll be like Hey Baekhyun, remember when you left me on our anniversary five years ago, yeah why’d you do it?” Chanyeol stares at Kyungsoo, as if trying to make him understand his point. “I don’t do confrontations all too well Soo, especially when it comes to Baekhyun.”

“Well you have a point there.”

“Thank you.”

“But still, this is your chance Chanyeol. If you’re actually still looking for the closure that’s so long overdue already, then try to actually get it.”

“Ugh I don’t know.” He stands up to put out his cigarette. “I don’t know how to actually ask him any of the questions I have.”

“If you don’t do it now, when will you ever have the chance.” Kyungsoo asks, following Chanyeol near the ledge. “I know you Chanyeol, you’re afraid to actually speak your mind because you know you’d end up hurting him with your words. But you need to.”

Chanyeol sighed. “I just don’t really see the point anymore of bringing up anything that was in the past. It’ll leave us both hurt, and I don’t want that. I’ve moved on, everything was process that took 5 years to finish. I just don’t want to throw it all away just because my emotions got the best of me.”

“Are you sure?” Kyungsoo asks, resting his arms on the metal ledge. “Because we all know you want this. Whether it opens up old wounds or not, a confrontation is what you need, no matter how okay you are. At the end of day, you’d still end up with unanswered questions. Just talk to him.”

“What if I still don’t understand.” Chanyeol turns around, back touching the metal ledge as he crossed his arms. “What if after all the explanations he give I still don’t understand why he left. What do I do then?”

Kyungsoo stands up as well, dusting out his pants. “Just pick a card again, the next questions are much deeper compared to the first ones anyways, pick it up from there.” He starts to walk back to the door, motioning for Chanyeol to follow him already. “Come on, let’s go back to filming.”

Baekhyun was already back on his seat when they came back, receiving back his mug that was refilled with coffee already. Kyungsoo was already back on his position, already motioning for the camera man to resume filming already.

“You smoked?” Baekhyun asks the moment Chanyeol went back to his seat. Chanyeol nods at him. “Didn’t you quit already?”

“Picked it up again a couple of years ago.” Chanyeol explains, dusting off his shirt of any ash remnants.

Baekhyun just nods at him. “Mind if I ask you the next one?”

“Yeah sure go ahead.” Chanyeol says, motioning for Baekhyun to pick another card.

“Have you had any long-term relationships after me?” Baekhyun reads. Chanyeol took a quick glance at Kyungsoo with his brows raised. Baekhyun brings the card back down the table, waiting for the taller’s answer.

Chanyeol smiles at him. “I never got to serious dating again too, but casual dates yes”

Baekhyun hums in approval. “I thought Sehun or Jongin would’ve had you attend blind dates by now.”

“They did.” Chanyeol quickly says. “Especially on the first few years after you left.”

Chanyeol faintly recalls how both of his friends would bribe him something just to get him out of his apartment other than for work or for meeting them up. Often times it would be friends of friends, or their colleagues at work. Chanyeol would always be polite to show up, probably a dinner or a quick visit to the cinema. He’d get to about 2 to 3 dates with person before eventually not having any more time or enough interest to pursue much further. He still feels that there’s something missing, something holding him back to give his everything yet again.

“But how about you? Had any long-term relationships?” Chanyeol asks.

“Hmm I don't think I have?” was the smaller’s answer, legs folded as he used his knee support his arm as he rests his chin on his right palm. “Like aside from the casual dates and all that, I don’t think I’ve had like a serious relationship again.”

“But you’re dating now?” Chanyeol asks, his curiosity at peak.

“Nope, I’m stressfully attached to my career right now.” Baekhyun chuckles.

Chanyeol was actually quite surprise, he was already expecting Baekhyun to say that he was currently dating, but he really wasn’t. The smaller had always been a social butterfly, easily making friends and opening up conversations wherever he was. But Chanyeol also understands why Baekhyun haven’t really been in a long term relationship since they broke up. It took him quite a long time before the smaller had opened up to him everything and it took Baekhyun a lot of courage and assurance from Chanyeol that it was okay to be vulnerable at times, especially when the taller was there, always ready to hear him out.

“I’ll get the next question” Chanyeol says, grabbing another card from the deck. “What are you most hesitant to tell me.”

Baekhyun sighs, fingers fumbling as he leans back into his chair. Multiple thoughts crossed into Chanyeol’s mind, seeing this as a great opportunity to actually talk about what he’s been meaning to in the first place.

“There’s a lot, and I don’t even know where to start actually.” Baekhyun lets out a soft chuckle, releasing all the tension that was building up inside his system. “But maybe the one thing on top of my head right now is that I really was having second thoughts about coming here actually.” The smaller looked at him with a soft expression, letting out a small smile he didn’t know what actually meant.

“I figured. I mean you’ve been hiding for the past couple of years so why suddenly show up right?” Chanyeol remarks, tone a little too mocking than what he had expected. Baekhyun was taken a bit back, still not so used the way the taller gets mad as it was very rare for him to be. “Anyways how did you Kyungsoo even found you?”

“He said he saw my name as editor on the magazine and gave me a call.” Baekhyun explains. “I just got a phone call from him last week telling me about this whole thing.”

“And you agreed that fast?”

“Of course, I hesitated at first, especially with the idea of having people know something very personal about me, and of course with our current situation, I really wasn’t sure if you’d be here”

“But why’d you agree then?”

“Because he said you were coming, and I dunno, if you’re ready to see me, then maybe I was too.” Baekhyun says, heart beating a little too fast as he didn’t know how Chanyeol would react.

“Well I thought I was.” Chanyeol whispers but just enough for Baekhyun to hear him. “To be honest I only agreed to be here because I really doubt Kyungsoo would find you, but here you are.” Chanyeol wanted to laugh at how things were progressing, how they civil they both are as if they parted ways in such a good manner before. He can’t understand how it feels like there’s no trace of resentment and anger or maybe even guilt that was supposed to be lingering around the both of them ever since they saw each other this morning. This clearly wasn’t the sort of meeting he had in mind.

“So, you we’re hoping I won’t be here?” Baekhyun asks, sensing where Chanyeol wants to lead the conversation.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. You don’t really expect me to be all excited about this right?” He was finally mustering up the right amount of courage to speak his mind, something Chanyeol knows he should’ve done a long time ago. “You left Baek. You disappeared like you had no intentions of being found anymore. Do you think I’m still hoping to meet you like this?”

“Chanyeol……” Baekhyun trailed off, feeling the sudden built up tension from the taller. “I-I thought everything’s okay already…..”

“Okay?” Chanyeol wanted to laugh. “Nothing’s okay anymore Baekhyun.”

So many thoughts were running through his head right now, if it was the best decision to finally open up the wounds that he had carefully let time heal by itself. He knows he can’t stop his emotions from overflowing, from finally letting out whatever vent up anger he still has stored somewhere deep inside him. He knows it’s going to hurt them both all over again, but if it’s what needs to be done, he’d risk it to rather than have everything hanging once again.

“I came here with my heart ready you know” Chanyeol whispers, trying to control his emotions before it gets the best of him. “I said that no matter what happens today I am more than okay because it’s been years right? God, I want to say so many things to you that I don’t even know where to begin. But then what’s the point?” Chanyeol could feel his throat close up as he feels the tears forming in his eyes. “What would me venting my anger at you right now do anyways? You left, never even looked back after all these years like I was never really that important, so what’s the point now right?”

“The point is for you to stop lying to yourself already.” Baekhyun says, frustration building. “Curse at me, yell, punch me I don’t care. Just do whatever you want to express whatever you have locked up in your heart. Stop making it seem as if I never hurt you in the first place. Stop making it seem as if you’ve been okay all these times when I know you aren’t.”

“Is it still going to change something?” Chanyeol says, looking at Baekhyun. “Would me doing all those stuff to you change what you did, even just a tiny bit?”

The look on Baekhyun’s face the moment their eyes met was something Chanyeol can’t quite decipher if it was guilt or something else. Maybe Baekhyun already had an idea of the damage he had left behind when he decided to quietly leave.

“But I know you’re not okay, and I’m sorry that I had to do the things I’ve done Yeol.” Baekhyun explains. “If I didn’t leave in the first place, we won’t become the persons we are now. I’d just end up hurting you more if I stayed.”

“I don’t think that would be possible………..because nothing would beat the pain when I realized you were never coming back.” Chanyeol heaved a sigh, eyes glued to Baekhyun as he let out emotions he has been bottling up inside for the longest time. He didn’t care if he was crying, or that Baekhyun had guilt written all over his face as he looks back at him. He just needed this, to finally come clean with the things he had refused to face.

“I know no matter how much I tell you how sorry I am, I know you won’t accept it.” Baekhyun had tears forming in his eyes. “But I did what I did Chanyeol because I loved you”

“But you didn’t love me enough to keep you from leaving.” Chanyeol whispers. “You never gave me a reason why…… you never gave me a chance to understand why you had to leave in the first place. I lived for the past years with the thought lying at the back of mind that I must’ve done something wrong to drive you away.”

“P-Please don’t say that” Baekhyun pleads, wiping off the tears on his cheek. “You never did anything wrong”

“Then tell me what happened!” Chanyeol half shouts, hands ruffling his hair out of frustration. “Because no matter how many times I think about it, I can’t think of any reason that made you leave me……..I-I just……..I know that I loved you in every possible way that I can. W-Wasn’t I enough?”

“No…..Yeol please don’t say that” Baekhyun quickly says, voice cracking. “You were more than enough. You’ve always made me feel like I was the luckiest person because I had someone like you.”

Chanyeol’s chest felt heavy, suddenly carrying all the emotions he had set aside. He could feel his chest tighten along with the tears that continuously flow from his eyes. This was why he had wanted to just let this go, to never talk about what happened before as if it’s some sort of bad dream. He didn’t want to recall how everything felt, how he continuously felt numb to the feeling of being hollow inside or his heart feeling like it’ll drop on his stomach every single time he’s reminded of the smaller. He wanted to let go, to move on so bad, but he knows he just couldn’t.

This was the perfect opportunity to have all his questions answered, to get the explanation he has been seeking for so many years now. He just doesn’t know if he’s really ready to actually hear them, if it’ll do more healing than destruction to the wounds he had patched up.

Chanyeol wiped the dried-up tears with the back of his hand. He quickly took a tissue from the table, trying to calm his nerves. He knew this was just the beginning.

“I-I actually don’t know where to begin.” Baekhyun starts, wiping his cheek with his hand. “I know you deserve an explanation Chanyeol, I know you don’t deserve to be left like that. But I had to.”

“I won’t understand if you don’t tell me Baek. I just want you to make me understand why. Why out of all the different options out there, you chose to run away instead of facing whatever problems we had.” Chanyeol explains. “Was there something I did?”

“No…..it was all on me. You don’t have to blame yourself for anything. I was the one with the issues, not you.” Baekhyun says, eyes locking into Chanyeol as he continues. “I had doubts Chanyeol”

Chanyeol just looked at the smaller, feeling his breath hitch for a moment as he tries to process what Baekhyun had just said to him.

Doubts.

Questions.

Second thoughts.

It all meant the exact same thing for him.

“W-What do you mean doubts? About us?” Chanyeol wasn’t sure if he was hearing it right, trying to see if Baekhyun just said something he didn’t quite catch on. He refused to believe that it had to be that.

“About everything.” Baekhyun confesses, voice so soft as if he was murmuring. “I knew you were going to propose that night, Yeol. I saw the box at the bottom drawer under your socks when I was folding clothes.”

“How long did you know?”

“About a week before our anniversary.” Baekhyun confessed. “I was having so many thoughts running through my mind when I processed the idea that you were ready to marry me. But I wasn’t sure if I was on the same page as you.”

Chanyeol could feel his heart sink into his stomach, chest feeling a little tight as he lets Baekhyun’s words sink into his mind. He thought they were ready, to make the promise that they’ll be together as long as they love another. Guess he was the only one afterall.

“And you thought leaving was the best decision? To run away from something because you were having doubts”

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you or myself any longer” Baekhyun explained. “You think I could have the strength to say no to you when I didn’t run away?”

“But you could’ve said no Baekhyun. I would understand if you just told me why. You know I always understand.”

“You think you do, but you really don’t.” Chanyeol could sense Baekhyun’s tone going up. “You know what the problem was Chanyeol? You think everything’s going to be okay if we just talk all the time, if you had the chance to understand the situation then you’d have the ability to fix everything……..But it’s not. It’s not that simple and you know it.”

Chanyeol was trying to digest the situation, heart beating a little too fast as he waits for Baekhyun to continue.

“I had doubts about a lot of things, not just what was between us, it’s not even the biggest factor in the first place.” Chanyeol watched as Baekhyun allowed his tears to fall. “The biggest doubt was on myself, if I had loved myself enough already for me to give you all of me without hesitations.”

He could hear how the smaller’s voice was cracking, laced with the vulnerability he rarely showed to anyone. Chanyeol knows this wasn’t going to be easy for the both of them, to come clean with the emotions they convinced themselves were never there.

“But you were already enough Baek, I still loved you for who you are. I thought I made sure to make you feel that you were always enough for me, that you didn’t have to be whole for me to love you. Even if you were something in you, I’d be the one to fill that up.” Chanyeol explains, a small smile forming into his lips as he lets his tears fall.

“But it was something I had to do for myself Chanyeol, don’t you understand?” Baekhyun’s voice was weak. “I know you loved me in every possible way that you can. Not once did I ever doubt how much you loved me because you always made me feel special especially on days when I felt like the world was going down on me. But then I got scared. How long would you keep loving me despite of how lacking I was in every way? What if one day you realize that I wasn’t worth it after all--------that all the insecurities I had about myself came crashing in on the surface and you don’t look at me the same way again.”

He hears how Baekhyun’s voice tremble, noticing how the smaller’s fingers were shaking as well as he continuously wiped the tears on his cheek with the back of his hand. He watches as Baekhyun clenches his fist to try to calm down his nerves.

“You said you never doubted my feelings for you, but there you go questioning how long it’ll last.” Chanyeol scoffed. “I loved you for your everything Baekhyun. All your insecurities, your flaws, your past, your everything. I embraced all of that with open arms because that’s how much you meant to me.”

All Chanyeol wanted to do was to envelope Baekhyun in his arms, to comfort him into understanding that whatever he thought of before wasn’t possible to even happen. Chanyeol understood that it never was easy for Baekhyun to open up, especially coming from one bad relationship to another. It took Baekhyun a lot of time to even let Chanyeol pursue him in the first place, constantly reminding the taller that he wasn’t ready, afraid if he could ever reciprocate Chanyeol’s feelings as time passes by.

But Chanyeol was persistent. The amount of love he had for Baekhyun was much greater than the insecurities that were enveloping the smaller. As time passed by, Chanyeol would see that Baekhyun was trying. He would become more vocal about his feelings, about the things that run through his mind. Although the hesitation is still there, at least there was progress.

Chanyeol could remember all those times that Baekhyun would have episodes where he felt like the world was slowly turning against him, with the constant stress into his studies as well as to the whole transition of being an adult all of a sudden, the numerous instances of Baekhyun doubting himself if he could even do all these things, his anxiety levels were always on the rise. All Chanyeol could do was to be that strong foundation of assurance that Baekhyun exactly needed. He reminded the smaller that mistakes were a given, that everyone had a license to experiment on their lives and not be completely successful about it. Chanyeol was there to let Baekhyun understand and feel that he was just as good as everyone he was comparing himself with, if not better in many ways.

But Chanyeol understands.

He knows that there are still personal issues that are beyond his control, some things that only Baekhyun could fix himself. He knows it’s hard and that it’s not going to be so easy to fix them all at once especially when Baekhyun had been living with these shadows all his life. He wanted the smaller to feel good about himself, to realize it in himself that he’s not bad as he thinks he is, that there is someone like Chanyeol that was ready to accept every flaw and insecurity that he had, no matter how big or many they were.

What’s lacking was the willingness Baekhyun had in himself to slowly erase those shadows that constantly haunt him when he’s alone. Chanyeol could only do so much, to make him feel special when he’s in his lowest, but to maintain that feeling of contentment in himself in the long run, that was all on him.

Chanyeol just doesn’t understand if Baekhyun was still willing to let those shadows go or to just live with them for the rest of his life.

“I had a lot of chances to regret what I did Chanyeol.” Baekhyun says, breathing beginning to be even again as he stares at the taller. “I left you behind to deal with my personal issues, to not burden you anymore with whatever I was dealing with myself. But did you think I was happy? Y-You think I was happy with my decision of leaving someone like you that meant everything to me?”

Chanyeol could clearly trace the amount of guilt lingering in the smaller’s voice. “B-But you still did. And I know I can’t actually turn that against you because get it, that you needed to get away for yourself. But what about me?” Chanyeol asks, voice a little too shaky. “Have you ever thought about what I might have felt when I realized you were gone?”

“I-I……..”

“I was miserable Baekhyun.” Chanyeol points out, finally releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I came home to an empty apartment on what should’ve been one of the best nights of my life. Do you know how that felt? I was ready to spend my life with you……” He could feel the tears forming again. “I just wanted to understand what was wrong because I never thought that you could do that to me Baek. We were happy, at least I thought we were. But then everything just happened so suddenly. One day I was with you unlike any other day, and then the next one I’m reading the note you left and apartment all to myself.”

Chanyeol couldn’t contain his emotions any longer, letting his heart take over his mind for once. He wanted to be selfish, to let Baekhyun realize how much damage he had done because of that one decision he had made. But there was still a growing sense of understanding creeping into his system, something he had always had when it comes to anything that concerns the smaller.

“But then again, how can I really hate you.” Chanyeol spoke after letting his heart calm down for a bit. “For the first few months I wanted to curse at you so bad for being a selfish coward, for choosing to leave rather than to fix whatever was at hand. But that part of me that was always hoping that you’re okay, you’re living well with the decision that you made is still hanging at the back of my mind somewhere. I can never resent you Baekhyun. And if you needed a life away from me to realize everything, then maybe it really was for the best.”

The faint sobs were clear to Chanyeol’s ears, seeing Baekhyun’s eyes get all puffy from the continuous tears rolling down his cheeks. This was what he had hoped for, for a chance for them to talk and just be honest about everything. Chanyeol coming into terms with how he really felt was somehow liberating for him. Like for the first time in so long, he could finally let go of the burden that was unconsciously holding him down.

“You’re a wonderful person Chanyeol, I wish you would always remember that.” A smile was forming on the smaller’s lips. “You deserved to be loved in every way that a person can. You deserve someone better than me Yeol, someone who can reciprocate the amount of love you give because I know I can never do that. I know I’m always going to be lacking when it comes to you.”

“But what’s the point when I only want you? We love for the sake of showing what we feel, not because we want our feelings to be reciprocated in any way. You cannot tell me that I deserve someone better because they can love me more compared to you. It doesn’t work that way Baek. If you love me, then you do. I only want you. I don’t care if someone loves me more or whatever. What matters is I’m only here for you and that’s that.”

“B-But what if I love you a little less? W-What if there never comes a day that I could be able to love you with the same amount of love you give me? What happens then?”

“Then I’ll be happy no matter what, because I know no matter how big or small your feelings are for me, at the end of the day, the feelings are still there. What’s important is that you choose to stay despite of it all”

Chanyeol gave him a small smile, feeling his shoulders being lifted off a burden that he has been carrying for a long time. It felt great, to come clean with the questions and thoughts that had been roaming around aimlessly in his head for the past five years.

For the first time since they started the whole interview, Baekhyun gave him a genuine smile, eyes scrunching as he beamed at the taller. Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun was looking for an opportunity as well, to come clean with all the reasons he had back then, to make him realize how much of a hard decision everything was for him.

“Looks like we’re done to our last question.” Chanyeol says, wiping the few dried tears on his cheek. He grabs the last card on the table, leaning back into his chair before he reads it. “If there is anything that you would change in our relationship, what would it be?”

Baekhyun nods softly, also wiping the dried tears on his cheeks. “I don’t think I would change anything.”

“Even how things ended?” Chanyeol asks

“Even how things ended.” Baekhyun assured him. “No matter how sorry I am for all that happened. I think our time apart did both of us something good.”

Chanyeol nods, agreeing to what the smaller had said. The years he had spent with Baekhyun were the greatest, but the life he had without the other was something that he needed for himself as well. It was like a chance to rediscover what he really was, where to actually focus all his attention to, it was a time to make himself his priority once again.

“But don’t think you think there were too much time in between? Like how things ended and how we meet like this again. Don’t you think it was long overdue?” Chanyeol asks.

Baekhyun shakes his head. “I think the timing was right. You’re a different person now, and I’m not the Baekhyun that I was before. We’ve become strangers again by the course of time. Like it gave us a good amount of time to grasp where we actually want to be. Who knows, we could be back together or not. Anything’s a possibility at this point.”

“Well do you? Would you like to get back together?

“I dunno. Do you think we would?” Baekhyun asks. Chanyeol could see how Baekhyun’s expression softened, eyes staring into him as he awaits the taller’s anwer.

“Well anything could happen, it’s just a matter of right timing I guess.”

Baekhyun nods. Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun understands where he’s coming from. He knows there are still feelings lingering around, a possibility to get back together was there, but he doesn’t want to rush into things. There was a lot to patch up, a lot of conversations to happen, a lot of acceptance. It was going to be a long and hard process. But just like what Baekhyun said, they were both matured by time and experiences they had to spend without the other. They were strangers with a connected troubled past.

“But do you think without our troubled past and all these things that have happened, do you think we really can get back together?” Chanyeol could sense the hopefulness in Baekhyun’s words.

“If our troubled past didn’t happen, then there won’t be a need to get back together because I know we never would’ve broken up in the first place.” Chanyeol gave him a smile. It all felt too familiar.

“Well I guess it depends on fate.” Baekhyun smiles, making Chanyeol feel all those familiar emotions all over again.

“Yeah.”

Hearts started to beat in sync again, feeling all too familiar.

“I guess it’s up to fate then.”

 _But I think we both knew, even then,_  
that what we had was something even more rare  
and even more meaningful.  
I was going to be his friend  
and was going to show him possibilities  
And he in turn,  
would become someone I  
trust more than myself  
-David Levithan

Epilogue

They arrived at the beach a little after 4am. Chanyeol thanked the heavens that the elderly couple who was passing by was going to the same direction of the beach, letting them know that there was no problem dropping them off on their way. He really gotta hand it to Baekhyun into charming off the old lady in letting them hitch a ride.

With a final wave to the elderly couple, both of them proceeded to walk to the direction of the beach, sounds of the waves crashing on the shore already clear on their ears. Baekhyun had the biggest smile on his face, tugging onto Chanyeol’s sleeve so they walk faster.

“Yah be careful, what if you trip or something. I can’t carry you with all these bags.” Chanyeol says, letting Baekhyun tug him forward while carrying their bags.

“It’s just sand Yeol, don’t fuss over. It’s not like I’ll break my head or something even if I fall. Now come on and put your long legs to good use by walking faster.”

Chanyeol just allowed the smaller to pull him, letting the moonlight be the only one guiding them on the dark night. They were walking along the shore, Baekhyun carrying both their shoes so they could walk barefoot on the sand. It felt weird but nice at the same time. Chanyeol could feel the sand between his toes, a smile forming in his lips as he hears Baekhyun hum a tune as they look for a place to sit.

“Here, let’s stop here.” Baekhyun says, letting go of Chanyeol as he places their shoes on the ground. “Just drop the bags here Yeol, we’re not that close to the shore anyways so it’s safe from the water.

Chanyeol complied, dropping the bags on the floor as he stretched his shoulders for a moment. Baekhyun was already busy rummaging through his duffel bag, retrieving the beach towel he had brought. He neatly placed the blanket on the sand just beside their bags. He takes a seat and motions for Chanyeol to do the same.

“Ahhh this feels nice.” Baekhyun says, stretching his legs as he lets his arm support him.

“We can’t even see anything yet.” Chanyeol says, flopping beside his boyfriend. He immediately removed his jacket, letting the cool summer breeze hit him. “But yeah this feels nice.”

Baekhyun chuckles, tugging for Chanyeol to scoot a little over to him. “You know I’ve never been to the beach this early. It kinda makes me feel excited.”

“Why? There’s nothing to see except for the moon, and a few people doing inappropriate things on a public place like this.” Chanyeol gathered his knees to his chest, encircling his hands so as to keep balance. Baekhyun was looking at the view, enjoying the sounds of the wave as it hits the shore. It brought a sense of calmness to him.

“I dunno, it lets me appreciate the beauty of the place even in the dark. Plus, we’ll get to see the sunrise later. I heard sunsets on the beach are the best.”

Chanyeol smiles, realizing that Baekhyun really is just like a little kid.

“So you mean you just wanted to go to the beach for the sunrise? You know we could’ve just watched it at the rooftop at school.”

Baekhyun playfully hit the taller’s arm. “Of course, the feeling is different you oaf.” Baekhyun laughs at him. “And think of this like an impromptu date as well. We’re spending the first day of summer vacation together, isn’t that something special.”

“But we’re always together every day though. You practically live in my apartment already.” Baekhyun threatened to hit him again. “I’m just kidding.” Chanyeol laughs.

“You’re a prick.” Baekhyun says. He motions for Chanyeol to stretch his legs. The taller complies, letting Baekhyun shift into place so he could rest his head on Chanyeol’s lap.

“If I knew that you loved the beach so much, I should’ve brought you here on your birthday.” Chanyeol says, letting his arms stretch on the side for support.

Baekhyun chuckled, playing with the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt. “No, it’s fine. Besides I really wanted to get a tattoo on my birthday. Thanks for taking me there by the way.” Baekhyun traces the letters inked on his wrist, the same place where Chanyeol has his little sunflower. “Not gonna lie, it was so fucking painful.”

Chanyeol laughs, elbows feeling a little wobbly. “I told you to get it inked somewhere, but no, you wanted it where I have mine as well too.”

He was surprised when Baekhyun had tugged him to the tattoo shop the afternoon of his birthday. They were supposed to go to that ramen bar Jongin had been raving about after their classes, but then Baekhyun had the wonderful idea of getting inked, demanding Chanyeol to go with him to the same shop he had his little sunflower done. The smaller was already fixed on getting the words fearless inked, just a tiny lettering on the side, enough for it to be a constant reminder to live a little braver by the day.

“I have no regrets anyways.” Baekhyun says, beaming at Chanyeol.

They both let the silence fill them up, letting the sound of the wave be the only thing constantly ringing into their ears. Baekhyun was facing the sea while Chanyeol continuously ran his fingers through his blonde locks, letting out a satisfied hum for his boyfriend to continue.

“You’d think if we didn’t meet at the coffee shop or at Heechul hyung’s party, we’d ever meet?” Baekhyun says, tugging at the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt.

“Maybe.” Chanyeol replies shortly, hands continuously running through Baekhyun’s hair. “I’ve always seen you around campus before, too quick for me to actually remember when or to actually think about approaching you or another.”

“I don’t think you could ever approach me on campus though if we didn’t meet someplace else.” Baekhyun laughed. “But really, you think the universe would’ve done something, so we could be together like this?”

“Well isn’t that just how the world works? If it’s meant to be, then it’ll eventually happen. Like they’ll create chances on their own when the time is right.”

“You think we’re meant to be?” Baekhyun asks. “God it sounds cheesier when I say it out loud.”

Chanyeol laughs, feeling Baekhyun bury his face in his stomach to hide his embarrassment. “You’re so adorable when you say things like that. Is this your romantic side finally showing?”

“Shut up.” Baekhyun says, face still buried in Chanyeol’s shirt.

“But seriously, maybe we are, maybe we aren’t. What’s the point anyways? We’re together, if we want to end up together until the end then we could make that work.” Chanyeol says, now caressing Baekhyun’s cheek.

“You’re being such a cheeseball again.”

“Hey, I wasn’t the one getting all sappy with the meant to be thing.” Baekhyun pinched his tummy. “Alright alright I won’t fool around.”

“But seriously though, have you thought about it Yeol? What if somewhere written in God knows where, we were supposed to be together, isn’t that weird?”

Chanyeol scrunched his eyebrow in confusion. “Weird?”

“Like think of it this way.” Baekhyun sits up. “If we never met in our own accord in the first place, then fate would be doing something weird just, so we could meet again and again until we eventually hit it off.”

Chanyeol smiled, God he loves this man.

“So, you’re okay with that?” He asks, watching Baekhyun’s expression change. “To me being the one that’s meant for you.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Baekhyun was smiling at him, eyes twinkling as the disappearing moon light sits perfectly on his face. “I’d be happy to be with you for a long time.”

Chanyeol smiles, gently leaning in to give Baekhyun a chaste kiss.

“I love you. God I’m so lucky that I have you.” Chanyeol grins, leaning in for another kiss.

"I love you too. Always remember that.” Baekhyun smiles at him, encircling his arms on the taller’s neck to lean in for another kiss.

Baekhyun wanted time to stop, to have this exact moment forever replaying in his mind to remind him the feeling on contentment on his heart. This was the genuine happiness he needed. And all it took was for Chanyeol to make his life a little brighter each day.

 


End file.
